90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
