I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
