Will you blow on my dice?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Randomize
