Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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