Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
