she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
