so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
