somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I don't think brook has ever known best
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
