My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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