ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
where are you?
Hypothermia
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
