ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
