Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
