He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
