I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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