I can tuck mytits in my pants
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
