dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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