Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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