i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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