Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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