Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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