Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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