The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
