i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
