Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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