I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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