Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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