Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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