My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
