my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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