i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
