There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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