when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
