Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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