hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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