margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
