I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
