I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
