i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
