They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
