Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
