opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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