I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
