His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
