i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
