We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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