whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
