I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
