We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
