i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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