Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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