so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
