I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
