he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
