i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
