his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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